No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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