It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize