Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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