Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
