Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
