There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
