I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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