If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
