Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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