His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
