Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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