the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
