My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize