He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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