Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
