My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
