I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
