tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need a burrito and a hug.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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