winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
