if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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