yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
