Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this just has baby written all over it
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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