He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
