Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
