Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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