I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
