So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
