The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
