I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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