It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
