Got a toothbrush?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
