I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
