What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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