I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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