i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
