dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
