What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
