I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
