Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
whose parrot is this?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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