ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
