Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
