Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
