She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
