Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
