Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
