Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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