oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
