wanna go halves on a baby?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
