I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
