When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
