I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
