dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
