I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
