Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
