what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
