I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
