How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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