if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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