She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
