i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
