just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
im six kinds of drunk right now
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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