I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
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