@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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