Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I am midnight drunk by noon
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
