you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
