i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
