So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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