My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
