i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
