apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
