who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
