I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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